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New Adult Jokes

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REDHEADS ARE FAMOUS FOR THEIR TEMPERS AND UNPREDICTABILITY...HOW FAMOUS?

Redheads don't sleep...they wait.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3? A redhead.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, a redhead jumps out.

How sexy are redheads? A group of redheads once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.

Redheads put the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

A cobra bit a redhead. After 5 days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

A redheads dog is trained to clean up its own poop, because a redhead refuses to take sh** off anyone!

If a redhead gives you the finger, she's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Death once had a near-redhead experience.

A redhead can have both feet on the ground and still kick your ass.

The only time a redhead was wrong was when she thought she had made a mistake.

A redheaded woman can make a paraplegic man run for his life...

Redheads don't have to use pick-up lines. They simply say, "Now."

Redheads don't play hide-and-seek. They play "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

A redheaded woman is so stubborn she can beat the sun at a staring competition.

A redhead is probably the reason Waldo is hiding.

There is no such thing as gay men - only men who haven't met a sexy redheaded woman.

When redheads run with scissors, others will get hurt.

A redhead gave Mona Lisa that smile...



Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."



I got kicked out of my mathematics class one day.

The teacher asked me, "What comes after 69?"

Apparently "mouthwash" was the wrong answer!



Husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't piss me off and make me happy at the same time".

Wife replies, "Your dick is a lot bigger than your brother's".



The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."



A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.

"What is that?" she asks.

"Those are my golf balls."

"Is that like tennis elbow?"



I went to a disco last night.

They played The Twist, I did The Twist.

They played Jump, I Jumped.

They played Come On Eileen...

I got kicked out for that one



A man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, "What are you?"

He says, "I'm a fireman"

"But you're only wearing a glass jar?", says the woman.

"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can!"



You've joined a redneck HMO if...

-The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's.
-Directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
-The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
-The only proctologist lists his address as Roto-rooter.
-The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
-Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill.
-Preventive Care Coverage includes 'an apple a day.'
-Your Prozac comes in colors and has little M's on each pill.
-The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
-Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.



The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.

"Really?"

"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."