New Adult Jokes

The most recently added 10 New Adult Jokes. Please rate as many Random Adult Jokes as you feel like.
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Cyclists are Sexier

"Bicycling Magazine" did a survey that showed: Eighty-four percent of its readers think about sex while cycling. When they're thinking, often they think about other cyclists; 68 percent of the women readers said other cyclists are more sexually attractive than non-cyclists. Sixty percent of the men agreed. Twenty-eight percent of all respondents said they met a sex partner through cycling. And two-thirds said cycling makes them better lovers.

While a majority of of the men surveyed said they thought about sex while cycling, a majority of the women said they thought about cycling during sex.


Alex was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.

"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"

"I’m sick of sports, I’m sick of TV," she replied. "You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!"

"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"


Two aliens land their plasmic cosmo craft in Jack and Jill's backyard. They suddenly materialize inside the couple's house and address them: ''We come in peace. We want to find out how you humans reproduce. To make an accurate assessment of your procreation process, we would like to - as your species would say - swap partners."

Being ex-theater majors from a liberal arts college, Jack and Jill agree without hesitation. Jack leads the female alien into one room, while Jill takes the male alien's tentacle and leads him off into another room. Immediately, the male alien starts to strip down to his bare essentials. Jill, seeing the creature's shrunken, pasty, yellow, naked body before her, gasps and says, ''Gee, that's a really teenie weenie."

"Actually, I come in all sizes."

With a wink and a smile, the alien slaps his thighs, and magically, his penis pops out to about one foot in length. Jill, giggling with amazement, exclaims "Wow! That's outrageous. Can you do that with your thickness as well?"

"No problemo," assures the well-hung alien. At that, he slaps at his ears, and, "boing," his member inflates out to about a good three inches in diameter. "Yippee. Yahoo," blurts out Jill, and proceeds to give Mr. Spaceman a taste of earth-style mating.

After about a three hour romp, Jill and Mr. Spaceman (now in smoking jacket and ascot) exit the bedroom and meet up with the other couple already waiting in the kitchen.

Jack, seeming somewhat dazed gets up and asks Jill, "How did it go in there?''

Jill, still a little woozy herself, smiles a goofy shit-eating grin and sings, ''That was by far, the most spectacular, unbelievable, eye-poppingest sex I have ever had. No offense. By the way, how'd it go with Ms. Universe over there?"

"Not so well. All she did was slap my ears for an hour and a half."


Two redneck hunters have been stalking for hours in the wood, when they enter a clearing and come upon a beautiful naked woman.

One of the hunters asks her, "Are you game?"

When she coyly answered that she was, they shot her.


5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.
You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa. Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".


Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 pounds 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines.

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian..."


A man goes into the doctor's examination room. When the physician finally enters he instructs the man to remove his hat. When the gentleman complies, the doctor is stunned to find a huge bullfrog apparently growing from the man's forehead.

"My God," the sawbones cried, "How did this happen?"

"I don't know, Doc," the frog calmly replied, "but it started out as a wart on my ass!"


Once an abnormal guy went to a doctor. His abnormality was that he had three balls. He thought it to be a reproductive abnormality so he wanted to consult a doctor. But he was a little hesitant to present his situation to the doctor. So he tried to explain it to him indirectly.

He said, "Doctor, if you combine your and my balls, then the result will be five!"

The doctor was amazed to hear that. He stood up and asked the patient, "You poor guy, have you got only one?"