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New Clinton Jokes

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"Senator John McCain is denying rumors flying around Washington that he recently went out drinking with Hillary Clinton. McCain's exact quote was, 'Five years with the Vietcong was enough'."
--Conan O'Brien



"Former President Bill Clinton has now struck a deal with several major food companies to supply schools with snacks that have less fat, less sugar and less salt. This is all part of Clinton's new program, 'No Child Left With A Big Behind.'"
--Jay Leno



Q: How long does it take Hillary Clinton to have a shit?

A: Nine months



If Hillary Clinton couldn't satisfy her own husband how in hell is she going to keep all Americans happy for four goddamn years?



One of the Senate Chaplains, a very old Catholic priest, suffers a massive heart attack on the Senate floor. As they prepare to rush him to a hospital he whispers a dying request to one of the Senate pages that Senators Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy accompany him in the ambulance. Aware of the flashing of press cameras and bright glare of the TV lights, the two Senators hold the priest's hands as he is taken away.

One reporter corners the Senate page. "Wow, that was something. Did the priest say why he wanted Clinton and Kennedy to go with him in the ambulance?"

The page nodded. "Yes, the good Father said all his life he tried to emulate his Savior and if dying between two lying thieves was good enough for Jesus it was good enough for him."



Q: What is Bill Clinton's worst nightmare?

A: An intern with braces.



There's a funny story about how Bill and Hillary first met at Yale... it seems they were both dating the same woman.



Q: What's the difference between Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.

A: Close, but no cigar.



Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed,
Worried in NY



Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.



Q: What does Hillary Clinton do in the morning after she shaves her pussy?

A: She straightens his tie and sends him of to work.