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New Dick Cheney Jokes

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"If recent polls are correct and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush's administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it."
--Seth Meyers



"This is the time of the year everybody's getting ready for the holidays. Earlier today, Dick Cheney brought home a Christmas tree that he shot."
--David Letterman



Top Ten Signs Bush Might Be Getting Ready To Dump Cheney

10. Cheney's official white house parking space is now in West Virginia

9. Latest bumper stickers read: "vote for Bush and (to be determined)"

8. CIA says it has indisputable evidence that Cheney will remain on the ticket

7. Cheney's been asking crooked oil companies if they have any job openings

6. All the white house defibrillator stations have been removed

5. Cheney's new I.D. card reads "valid through next Tuesday"

4. G.O.P. has spent 20 million dollars on campaign commercials giving exact location of Cheney's undisclosed location

3. Rumsfeld keeps jumping out at him from behind doors yelling, "boo!"

2. As with all major decisions, he's asked Cheney to figure out the best way to terminate the Vice President

1. Bush asked his dad if he still has Quayle's number



Q: What does Dick Cheney like about being vice president?

A: There's no malpractice insurance.



Q: Why does Dick Cheney like chat rooms?

A: Because he can lie all he wants and no one knows.



Top Ten Shocking Facts About Dick Cheney

10. To make himself more appealing to Bush, executed 47 people in Wyoming

9. Once dressed up as a bellhop to meet 'N Sync

8. Recently caught scribbling "George + Cheney" during strategy meeting

7. Accused of conflict of interest after voting in favor of tax cut for bald guys

6. For brief 6-month period in 1974, known as Rita Cheney

5. As Secretary of Defense, approved "Arms For Gyros" deal with Greece

4. He's fat

3. Told Bush only place he plans on campaigning is "Margaritaville"

2. Spends 17 hours a day at "Big Brother" website looking at exotic dancer

1. Picks up chicks by claiming to be Alan Greenspan



Q: How do you know a new war is starting?

A: Dick Cheney has a hard on.



Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite outfit?

A: A belt, two guns and diapers.



Q: Why did Dick Cheney go to the doctor?

A: To replace his ball bearings.



Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Dick Cheney's Mind At This Moment

10. "What should I do next--the phony chuckle or the unconvincing smile?"

9. "Hopefully he won't mention--Halibur--oh crap."

8. "W. better be tivoing 'The Gilmore Girls'."

7. "Where's the girl with my Jack and Coke?"

6. "To get the female vote maybe it's time to rip off the shirt and show some abs."

5. "Good God it's true--Edwards is devastatingly handsome."

4. "How the hell did the Yankees get shut out by the Twins?"

3. "I can snap this man's neck like a twig."

2. "That was the cue to bring out Osama! Where the hell is he?"

1. "Let's quit the cat and mouse crap and take this out to the parking lot."