New Dirty Jokes

Added on Friday, January 27th

A guy goes to see his Doctor and says that he has a lot of trouble sleeping because of a recurring dream. The Doctor notes that he looks pale and has bags under his eyes and asks him about the dream.

The guy says that it is always the same, he dreams that he wakes up in bed and there are 2 beautiful naked women trying to pull off the bed clothes and his PJ's, and he keeps pushing them away. He says that he would like an anesthetic so that...

The Doctor cuts him off and says "no, no. I suggest a change of diet and..."

The guy cuts in and says that he really wants an anesthetic and...

The Doc says that as he seems so desperate some new pills he has may do the trick.

The guy says "Just shut up and give me an anesthetic and then break my fucking arms".

Added on Tuesday, January 24th

Two women are talking over lunch when one said to the other, "Well, Jane, how's your sex life these days?"

"Well...my husband makes me feel like an exercise bike," replies Jane.

"How's that?" asked her friend.

"He climbs on and starts pumping away," explained Jane. "But we never get anywhere."

Added on Tuesday, January 24th

Three working women were having a round of drinks in a nearby bar and started boasting of having the biggest cunt among them.

"My cunt's so big you could stick a fist in it," said Sheila.

"What lark!," Jenny replied. "You can jam a foot in mine!"

The third one, Celeste, didn't have time to state hers. She had already slid down the stool she was sitting on.

Added on Tuesday, January 17th

A guy picks up this girl at the bar. They get to his house and they get naked. He gets down between her legs and says, "my you have a large vagina my you have a large vagina".

She says "I know but you didn't have to say it twice".

He says "I didn't".

Added on Tuesday, January 17th

TWATS THE NUTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas, and boy was it neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jock, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S

Added on Tuesday, January 10th

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over.

She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth: "Well that was a short fuckin' day!"

Added on Tuesday, January 10th

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

Added on Friday, December 23rd

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.

"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money".

Added on Thursday, December 22nd

Two friends reminiscing over sex...

This woman had a clitoris like a pickle!

What, so big?

No, so sour!

Added on Thursday, December 22nd

I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.