New Dirty Jokes

Added on Tuesday, April 22nd

In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his childhood sweetheart Morag, are wed. In the Honeymoon bed, Morag lays down the law:

"Now that we are wed, I have one rule. If you are ever unfaithful to me I'll chop your bits off!!"

Years pass peacefully, until one day Morag returns home to find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word, she runs out to the garden and returns with a set of garden sheers and exacts her revenge. Still gripping the severed giblets, she leaps into her car and flees.

She speeds through the village, swerving from left to right in her rage. This attracts the attention of two local coppers, Kyle and Shamus, who take off in pursuit. Seeing them in her rear view mirror, Morag panics, winds down the window and hurls out the evidence, which thumps with a bloody splat on the copper’s windshield.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" swears Bill, "Did you see the size of the dick on that fly?"

Added on Tuesday, April 22nd

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!

Added on Friday, March 14th

A fortune 500 company opened a brand new sales territory deep in the heart of China. This area was so remote that few foreigners had ever been there before. The company decided to send it's best salespeople there one at a time, for one month each. The idea being to acquaint them with the people and customs of the region.

Well, the first salesman spent a month there and then it was another salesman's turn. The two of them meet at a remote train station as the first is leaving and the second is on his way in. "Man it was great" says the first, "the scenery is beautiful, the people are friendly and everything is so cheap."

Then the first salesman cracks a devious smile... "and I've got a special surprise for you. Go into any restaurant and order the extra special egg-roll, hold the hot sauce. Got that?" "Extra special egg-roll hold the hot sauce " the second salesman replies. "Right" says the first "you're going to love it!" And with that the two part company.

Well the first night there the new salesman remembers the advice, goes to a restaurant and orders the extra special egg-roll, hold the hot sauce. "Extra special egg-roll hold the hot sauce, one dollar" Says the waiter. The man gives the waiter a dollar.

"You now in strange exotic land ..." says the waiter, "where many words have special and hidden meanings" and he points to curtain leading to a hidden room. The salesman walks through the curtain and behind it is the most beautiful, dark haired oriental girl he has ever seen. She is totally naked and the salesman has a hard-on inside of five seconds. Without saying a word she drops to her knees, undoes his pants and gives him the most incredible blow job of his entire life.

The salesman cannot believe his good fortune. After all he has many, many dollars and a whole month to spend them. Each night he goes from restaurant to restaurant and it's always the same. Extra special egg-roll hold the hot sauce, you are now in strange exotic land where many words have special and hidden meanings, incredible naked girl, unbelievable blow job.

On his last day there, on the way to the train station he figures he just has to do it one more time. This time, however, he's running late and a big hurry. "Give me the extra special egg-roll", in his haste he neglects to say hold the hot sauce "here's the dollar." "You now in strange exotic land ..." the salesman interrupts "yeah, yeah, yeah where many words have special and hidden meanings, blah, blah, blah." And off he goes to the back room.

He can't believe his good fortune, this girl is even more ravishing than any of the others. "What a way to go out" he thinks as he hurriedly un-buckles his pants. She's on him in a second, it's feeling fantastic, until...

She chomps down with all her might on his pecker. "OH MY GOD ..." he screams in agony "why the hell did you BITE me?" He lays writhing on the floor in pain, blood gushing from his nearly severed member.

"You now in strange exotic land ..." says the girl, wiping the blood from her mouth, "where many words have special and hidden meanings." She smiles a wry little smile. "You forget to say hold the hot sauce ..."

"Extra special egg-roll WITH hot sauce have little bite to it."

Added on Wednesday, March 12th

The new recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert. He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation.

The corporal smiled wisely and said, "You'll see."

The young man was puzzled. "Well, you've got more than a hundred men on this base and I don't see a single woman."

"You'll see," the corporal repeated.

That afternoon, three hundred camel were herded into the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They all leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels.

The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm. "I see what you mean, but I don't understand," he said. "There must be three hundred of those camels and only a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can't a man take his time?"

"What?!?" exclaimed the corporal, startled. "And get stuck with an ugly one?"

Added on Tuesday, March 4th

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure.

"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.

"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman - so I showed her."

Added on Thursday, January 17th

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit her grandmother when, suddenly, a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Ah-ha!!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you. And I'm going to eat you!"

"Eat! Eat! Eat!" Little Red Riding Hood said angrily. "Damn it!! Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?!?"

Added on Thursday, January 10th

Three guys met at the local bar. They were discussing the events of the day. After a few hours, one guy ordered buffalo wings. He offered them to the other two. First guy accepted.

The second guy said he didn't eat anything that has a face.

The first guy said, that must really piss off your wife.

Added on Thursday, January 10th

A newly married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents. The first night, the father of the groom was awakened from sleep by his wife nudging him by hitting his stomach with her elbow. "Roger, listen!" she whispered.

He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said, "Come on, Roger!!" So Roger rolled on top of her and screwed her.

He was trying to fall back to sleep when, fifteen minutes later, the same sounds were heard. The wife nudged him again and said, "Roger! Listen to them! Come on, Roger!"

Once again, Roger got on top of her and made love to her.

A short time later, the bedsprings upstairs began to squeak again. And again the wife nudged her husband. "Roger, listen!" At this, Roger leaped from the bed, grabbed a broom, and banged the handle against the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out!! You're killing your old man!"

Added on Tuesday, January 8th

125 Things Never To Say During Sex

1) is it in?
2) that's it?
3) you've got to be kidding me.
4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5) do i have to pay for this?
6) do i have to call you tomorrow?
7) oh momma, momma!
8) oh dadda, dadda!
9) you look better in the dark.
10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11) i thought that goes in the other hole....
12) don't tell my husband/wife.
13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it) .
14) this sucks.
15) can you finish now? i have a meeting...
16) i hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17) i think you might get the job for this.
18) damn! is that all you know what to do.
19) did i tell you, i have herpes?
20) now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22) i'm hungry.
23) i'm thirsty.
24) zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25) are you trying to be funny?
26) can i have a ride home after this?
27) are those real?
28) by the way, i want to break up.
29) is that smell coming from you?
30) haven't you ever done this before?
31) wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly) .
32) do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33) you're so much like your sister....
34) your mom's cute.
35) what's your name again?
36) do i have to be here in the morning?
37) a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
38) but you just started!!
39) you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
40) don't touch that!!
41) can we order a pizza?
42) i think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) i knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, i'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it o.k. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind i left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can i borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) i'm sorry, i was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) i have to go to the bathroom.
68) did i leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72) its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.
73) god i wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, susan... i mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it o.k. if i never see you again?
81) did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden i have a headache.
84) you're boring.
85) i like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do i owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) no problem, we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than yours!
101) should i ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, larry....
103) if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can!
104) i haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker!
105) i was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!
108) is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?
109) i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) i wanna see how many quarters i can fit in there.
115) hurry up, i'm late for a date.
116) o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did i tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) i think i just went to the bathroom on your bed.
124) of course i don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

Added on Tuesday, January 8th

Two couples went on a vacation together. One of the men stated, "Our sex life has become routine and fairly predictable, don't you ever get tired of your wife?"

"I know exactly what you mean, I wonder if our wives will consent to swapping."

Much to their amazement the women consented to the arrangement. Early the next morning the husbands compared notes.

"How was it?"

"Wonderful, I haven't had this much fun in ages!"

"Me, too. Now let's go see how the ladies made out."