New Funny Jokes

Added on Wednesday, July 1st

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOK STORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

20. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

21. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

22. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

23. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

24. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

25. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD LISP TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

26. WHY ARE HAEMORRHOIDS CALLED HAEMORRHOIDS INSTEAD OF ASSTEROIDS?

27. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

28. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

29. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

Added on Tuesday, June 23rd

If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling."

But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly."

Added on Monday, June 22nd

"Earlier today in Los Angeles, armed robbers held up a medical marijuana clinic. Police can't identify the robbers because all the eyewitnesses say they have glaucoma."

-Conan O'Brien

Added on Monday, June 15th

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Added on Monday, June 15th

When I was in second grade, my Grandma told me that she wrote a book. She said, "Look, I’m in print."

I said, "That’s great Grandma, but I’m in cursive."

Added on Monday, June 15th

A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him. "What's the matter, little boy?" he asked. "Why are you crying?"

The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do."

The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

Added on Thursday, April 30th

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.....'

Added on Tuesday, April 7th

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little old lady---I am 76 years old.

Defense Attorney.: Will you tell us, in your own words, What happened the night of April 1st?

Little old lady----here I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to touch my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I certainly did not!

Defense Attorney: Why ever not?

Little Old Lady: His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled,'April Fool!'And that's when I shot him, the little Fucker.

Added on Thursday, April 2nd

"It's chilly here. But it's terrible weather back East. Another massive snowstorm has hit the Northeast... Or, as environmentalists call it, a 'temporary global warming hiatus.'"
--Jay Leno

Added on Thursday, April 2nd

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferrari's, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"