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Question of the day...

If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be considered stoned off your ass?



This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at her boobs when she said, "would you please press one?"

So I did.

I don't remember much after that...



Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."



What do you call a person that speaks 3 languages?
"Trilingual"

What do you call a person that speaks 2 languages?
"Bilingual"

What do you call a person that speaks 1 language?
"American"



Police: Knock Knock

Me: Who is it?

Police: It's the police

Me: What do you want?

Police: We just want to talk

Me: How many of you are there?

Police: Two

Me: Then talk to each other!



A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "What's up with the paper towel?"

The pirate replies "Yarg! There be a bounty on me head!"



When a person with a lisp says "Bithnith", you know they mean business...



The police sent me a picture of me speeding.

So I sent them a picture of a check.

They sent me a picture of handcuffs..



During a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well", said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub".

"Oh, I see, so a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the tea cup", I replied.

"No", said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"




Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.