New Funny Jokes

Added on Thursday, February 2nd

PHILANTHROPIST, n: One who gives away what he should give back.
---Unknown.

Added on Wednesday, February 1st     Submitted by: Sasha From Russia

On a Houston street:
- Say, dude, how do I get to the hospital from here?
- You say something bad about Texas, motherfucker ...

Added on Wednesday, February 1st     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

Added on Tuesday, January 31st

My wife reminded me of an incident that occurred when we were newlyweds living with my parents for a couple of months until we closed on our house.

"Your mom and I were sitting in the family room when your father suddenly walked down the hall naked drying his hair with a towel. I quickly turned away and your mom started screaming at him. He just kept walking saying, 'Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here--besides, it's my damned house.'"

"So you saw everything?" I asked.

"Yeah, it was hard to miss. He walked right by."

"So, um, tell me, whose is bigger?"

Added on Monday, January 30th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

One night at bedtime, newly married Jack asked his lovely wife June, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Silly," June replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

Added on Monday, January 30th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Mary went into her neighborhood pharmacy, walked up to Frank the pharmacist and calmly announced: "I would like to buy some cyanide."

Frank raised an eyebrow. Mary and her husband John had been good neighbors to him and his wife Sheila for many years and this was totally out of character. "Whatever would you want cyanide for, Mary?"

"I need it to poison John."

Frank sputtered. "Poison John? Mary, are you crazy? I can't give you cyanide. That would make me an accessory to murder. Why in the world would you want to poison John?"

Mary calmly removed a photo from her purse and gave it to the pharmacist. The man grew deadly quiet as he realized the photo was of his wife Sheila and John in a passionate embrace, a picture shot obviously through the window of the master bedroom of his own home.

Frank looked up at Mary. "Well, that's different," he finally said. "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Added on Monday, January 30th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

How did Microsoft come up with the name for its latest operating system?

Consumer groups determined that 7 was the average age that children stopped believing in Santa Claus and computer users stopped believing Windows would work!

Added on Monday, January 30th

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Added on Monday, January 30th

"According to a new report, the most frequently delayed flight in the country is Delta's 6:30 flight from New York to Washington, D.C. - which is late 100 percent of the time. Delta officials plan to fix the problem by re-naming the 6:30 flight the '7:30 flight.'"
--Conan O'Brien

Added on Friday, January 27th

An Avon saleslady selling her products on the 40th floor of a highrise apartment building felt a terrible gas pain. Looking for privacy, she spotted an empty elevator which she immediately entered and pressed [1]. The doors closed and the elevator started descending. The Lady cut one that peeled the paint off the walls. It smelled so bad it brought tears to her eyes. She reached into her sample bag of Avon products and sprayed some pine scented room freshener to mask the terrible odor.

The elevator stopped short of the first floor and as the doors opened, A drunk staggered in. The doors closed and the elevator started descending once again. The drunk started looking around the elevator while sniffing the air and wouldn't quit.

Finally the Avon saleslady, hoping for a complement on her pine scented room freshener asked the drunk what it was he was smelling. The drunk replied: "I Don't know for sure lady, but I think someone just shit a Christmas tree."