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New Golf Jokes

The most recently added 10 New Golf Jokes. Please rate as many Random Golf Jokes as you feel like.
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A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket.

"What is that?" she asks.

"Those are my golf balls."

"Is that like tennis elbow?"



Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces.

"After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?"

"What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!"

"And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"



A blonde goes to a golf course and hears a golfer say "fore!"

So she yells back "five!"



A man playing golf one Saturday at a local golf course is surprised when an attractive woman not only wants to play golf with him but also beats him by four strokes. As a consolation to beating him, she offers him a blowjob in the back seat of her car.

For the next month, every Saturday they meet, play a round of golf and after she beats him by four-five strokes, she goes down on him in the parking lot. The guy is in heaven until she invites him over for drinks and dinner and when he tries to take things to the next level, she breaks down and confesses she's a transvestite

"Are you mad at me?" he/she sobs.

"Damn right I am," the man shouts. "You've been hitting off the women's tee all month!"



During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."



Tiger Woods got his Nike endorsement back. They've come up with a new, trendier slogan:

"Just do me"



Q: Why can't O.J. and Heidi Fliess play golf together?

A: She's a hooker and he's a slicer



Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a word of English. "I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry.

So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.

The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"



A husband and wife came for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into an angry tirade listing each and every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a long list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their quarter century of marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist stood up, walked around his desk and, asking the wife to stand, embraced her and kissed her passionately on the mouth.

The woman shut up and, in a daze, quietly sat down;. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least seven times a week. Do you think you can do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, Doc, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on the other days I play golf."



Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."

"The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff."

"The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toilet paper."

Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself"

Reluctantly, the first guy goes and does his stuff. Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him. The second asks, "Damn, what happened? Didn't you use the dollar?"

"Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"