New Lawyer Jokes

Added on Tuesday, January 31st

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, 'There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.'

'No problem,' chimed the Rabbi. 'My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.' With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. 'What's wrong?' asked the farmer. He replied, 'I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.'

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. 'What's wrong?' the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, 'I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!'

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Added on Wednesday, December 14th

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, 'Oh, look! A nut!' The second squirrel jumped on it and said, 'It’s my nut!'

The first squirrel said, 'That’s not fair! I saw it first!'

'Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,' argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, 'You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.'

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, 'Now, give me the nut.'

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, 'See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.'

Then he reached over and said, 'And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.'

Added on Thursday, August 25th

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Added on Wednesday, July 9th

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

'Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,' says the shop owner, 'and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.'

'You can keep the story, old man,' he replies, 'but I'll take the rat.'

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

'Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,' says the owner.

'No,' says the tourist, 'I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.'

Added on Tuesday, January 8th

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked of his friend, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?"

"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, " he sold it to me..."

Added on Tuesday, January 8th

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Added on Thursday, December 13th

There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends.

One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see.

The blind snake takes a hold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit was happy to know what he was.

He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are."

The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer."

Added on Thursday, December 13th

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

Added on Thursday, November 8th

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

'Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,' responded the lawyer.

'Sorry, but I can't do that,' replied the stonecutter. 'In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'.'

'But that won't let people know who it is!' protested the lawyer.

'Sure it will,' retorted the stonecutter. 'People will read it and exclaim, 'That's impossible!'

Added on Monday, August 13th

Two Irishmen after a long night at the pub were walking home. They decided to take a shortcut through the local grave yard.

As they were walking through they were reading the inscriptions on the grave stones. They spied one which read "Here lies an Lawyer and a honest man".

Pat turns to Mike and says "Look at that will ya, two men buried in the same grave!"