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New Little Johnny Jokes

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Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

Barely a week after lecturing poor little Johnny about copying off other children's papers in class, Principal Nick calls the poor little tyke back into his office.

"Don't panic, Johnny. I'm not going to suspend you again," says the Principal. That of course is another story.

"I just wanted to see if you'd learned your lesson about copying other peoples work."

Principal Nick waited while the tiny miscreant fidgeted and squirmed in his chair. Finally with a toothy grin and a telltale smirk, that being another story entirely, little Johnny spoke up.

"Yes sir, I've learned my lesson. No more stealing from others. In fact, instead I'm writing a book about the whole experience," Johnny said with an air of innocence,

"Its entitled War and Peace."

One day the teacher decides to ask the class a math question. He goes "if there are three ducks and the hunter shoots one, how many are left?"

Little Johnny shoots his hand up to answer the question. Since Johnny was the first to raise his hand the teacher decides to ask him. "ok Johnny whats the answer".

Little Johnny goes "None!". The teacher was curious to know Johnnys logic and asks "Why?".

Little Johnny goes "the hunter missed and the other two flew away".

Surprised the teacher goes "You're wrong Johnny, but I like the way you think".

Johnny then says "Okay, I've got a question for you then". The teacher is like "ok".

Johnny goes "there are three women sitting on a bench and each have ice cream in an ice cream cone. One is biting the ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher goes "the one that is sucking the ice cream".

Johnny goes "wrong! It's the one with the ring, but I like the way you think!"

Little Johnny's dad had to go out of town on a business trip. So he squats down to have a serious talk with Johnny. "Johnny, I have to go out of town for a few days. So you have to be the man of the house and take care of everything for me. Can you do that?"

Johnny stands up straighter and replies proudly, "I will Dad!"

When his Dad came home he asked Johnny how everything was.

Johnny said, "Everything's fine now, but we almost lost Mom"

Alarmed, Dad asked, "What do you mean?!"

Johnny said, "Well, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and when I passed your room I heard something and stopped and looked into the room. Mom was yelling, 'Oh God, I'm coming', and if Uncle Bob wasn't holding her down she would have gone!"

On his 10th birthday, little Johnny's father took him aside. "I think you're old enough now that we should have a talk about the birds and the bees."

"No!" said little Johnny. "When I turned 6 you told me there was no Easter Bunny and when I turned 8 you told me there was no Santa Claus."

"So now if you're going to tell me adults don't really fuck, I don't wanna hear it!"

Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.

When the basket was passed around she leaned over once again to tell him to drop his money in, but Little Johhny held his dollar firmly in his hand, stating...

"If I can't eat, I won't pay!"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?

Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?

Mother: A raven, dear.

Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?

Mother: A swallow!