New Little Johnny Jokes

Added on Monday, January 30th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Little Johnny and his father were walking along a river and they stopped to skip stones.

Little Johnny said "Daddy?"

"What is it son?" the father asked.
"Why is widdle Jackie so mean?"

The father thought for a moment. "Well Little Johnny," he replied gently, "poor Jackie hasn't had an easy life. Unlike you, he hasn't had a stable home life. Constantly having to change his name after being rejected by his foster parents and not having the circle of friends you have has made him bitter and he's lost his head."

The son thought for a moment. "But he's always tattling to teacher and blaming me and my friends for things he's done!"

The father sighed. "Well son, that's because he's so envious of you and your friends he blames you for his lack of success and not being happy. It's pathological and he's lost his heart."

Still not happy, the boy goes on. "Will he ever change?"

"Not likely, son. His bitterness and envy have eaten away at him for so long he's lost heart, mind and soul." the father replied sadly.

"So there's nothing left?" asked a tearful Johnny. His father gave him a warm hug and ruffled his hair. "Of course not, son."

"There's still the asshole."

Added on Monday, January 30th     Submitted by: nicholas danger

Dad had mom bent over the back of the couch giving it to her from behind when little Johnny got home from school. When Johnny saw what was going on he ran down the hall towards his room.

When mom and dad finished up, dad said to mom "I better go down and talk to Johnny, we might have traumatized him a bit with what he saw.

When dad turned the corner into Johnny's room, Johnny had grandma bent over the end of his bed giving it to her from behind. Dad yelled "Johnny, what the hell are you doing"?

To which Johnny replied, "Its not so funny when its your mom is it."

Added on Friday, January 27th     Submitted by: Phil

Little Johnny comes home from School one day, with a worried look on his face. His father asks him ,"whats troubling you Little Johnny"

Little Johnny answers. Well the teacher has asked us to learn what the word "contagious" means, by tomorrow ,and if we don't know she'll keep us in after school.

Little Johnny's Dad chuckles and says, son, that's easy! He puts his arm around Little Johnny's shoulder, and leads him to the kitchen window and says. Tell me what you see out there Little Johnny?

Little Johnny says that all he sees, is Mom out there mowing the lawn...

Well that's your answer says little Johnny's Dad. It'll take the cunt-ages to finish the lawn...

Added on Thursday, December 22nd

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

Added on Thursday, December 22nd     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

Little Johnny wriggled uncomfortably on his psychiatrist's couch pouring out his heart, bewailing his inability to get any respect.

"What's wrong with me?" demanded little Johnny.

His therapist looked thoughtful. "Vell, you suffer der dilemma of both hating somevun, who fur the sake of anonymity we'll call Pee, und exalting diss Pee by vishing to be him. You hide your frustration mit ein toothy grin, pathetic miming und ein juvenile preoccupation mit sex."

"Nein, diss Pee is not der problem," he continued. "Und der diagnosis ist klar."

"You suffer von Pee-niss envy."

Added on Wednesday, December 7th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

One day the students of a primary school class had homework to start reading a fantasy book.

"Well class, lets see what books you have been reading," the teacher says. "Alex, what book have you started to read?"

"I have started to read Harry Potter," Alex proudly states.

"Well done Alex, Henry, what book have you started to read?" The teacher asks.

"I have started to read Doctor Who!" Henry confidently says.

"That sounds interesting Henry, Johnny, what fantasy book have you started reading?"

Johnny stands up with a big toothy grin and says, "The Bible!"

Added on Tuesday, August 23rd

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother. She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the house. Maybe you can learn some neat things."

Johnny disappears for about four hours and returns later in the afternoon.

"Did you learn anything interesting today?", his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door", Johnny replies.

Mom says, "That's great! How do you do that?".

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your father gets home!!".

Later, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me", Dad asks?

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of shit up there but it's too fucking small. So you shave a cunt hair off here and a cunt hair off there and put the goddamn thing up."

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job!"

Added on Friday, August 5th

Dirty Little Johnny was in grammar class. The teacher was playing a word association game. She'd give a student a letter of the alphabet, and the student should give the teacher a word starting with that letter. She could not give Little Johnny "A", because he's say "Asshole". She couldn't give him "B", he'd say "Bitch". "C", he'd say "Cunt", and so on.

The class began to notice Little Johnny by the absence of his being given a letter. Finally, the teacher arrived at the letter "R". She couldn't think of anything dirty that starts with "R", so she gave Little Johnny "R".

The teacher winced as Little Johnny thought, and then after a pause, said "Rats". Rats. The teacher thought that's not bad for Little Johnny, and thanked him.

Dirty Little Johnny nodded, motioned with his hands a few inches apart, and then said "Rats. Yeah. Rats. BIG FUCKERS with COCKS this long"!

Added on Tuesday, August 2nd     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

A teacher asked her first grade class how many of them were fans of President Obama. Not understanding what the teacher meant but seeking her approval, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked him why he couldn't go along with the rest of the class.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

"Is it because your racist?" suggested the teacher.

"No," Johnny replied scornfully, "because I'm a Republican!

"Why in the world would you want to be a Republican?" asked his teacher.

Little Johnny looked at her like she was dumb. "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican.'

The teacher looked at the rest of the class and smiled sweetly at the young boy. "Well," said the teacher,"if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big toothy grin little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan!"

Added on Monday, June 22nd

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their mothers did for a living.

One little girl said her mother was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said "Yes"

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number."