New Man Jokes

Added on Friday, August 31st

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Added on Tuesday, March 27th

A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt.

Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."

"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."

So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again.

"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.

"Well?"

"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom.

"And so...?" inquired Charles.

"Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, my dear friend, your wife has a lovely body."

"She does indeed," said Charles thoughtfully. "What happened then?"

"Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. "Then is when they turned out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."

Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."

Added on Monday, March 12th

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

Added on Tuesday, February 6th

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park?"

Added on Tuesday, January 30th

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

Added on Monday, January 29th

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Added on Wednesday, January 24th

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house?

Of these same men 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.

Added on Wednesday, January 24th

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter penis. Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response...

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!

Added on Tuesday, December 19th

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Sex.
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
7:00 Breakfast, fillet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Stoli bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, GA.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45 Lunch 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Sex.
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini).
14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.
16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
17:00 Jet back and get massage & hand job en route by naked supermodel.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch CNN news flash: president resigns - farm animal video released and authenticated.
19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963) 20 oz. New York steak
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
21:30 Sex with three women.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Bed (alone).
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart -- dog leaves room.
23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep.

Added on Friday, October 13th

It's not the length.

It's not the size.

It's how many times he can make it rise.