New Man Jokes

Added on Tuesday, January 31st

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said...Well, you have succeeded.

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said...No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Added on Thursday, January 26th

Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."

Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"

Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'"

Added on Monday, January 23rd

Two man are talking in a bar. Man #1 says, "Did you know that 60% of all man fall immediately in sleep after they have fucked a woman?"

To which Man #2 asks, "No, but what about the other 40%?"

Man #1 replies, "The other 40% must first drive home before they can sleep..."

Added on Tuesday, December 20th     Submitted by: SashafromRussia

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Added on Tuesday, December 20th

A perfect lover is a guy with a nine inch tongue who can breathe through his ears.

Added on Wednesday, December 14th

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...

DIRECTRA -a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA -Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA -Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA -In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA -Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA -Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NAGA-SPORTAGRA -This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA -This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA -This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D.(Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA -About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors.

LIAGRA -This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Added on Monday, April 19th

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife,too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


Most old guys are helpful like that.

Added on Friday, November 20th

"I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night," said one man to the other.

"I'll say." replied the second. "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."

Added on Monday, June 22nd

A guy sees a beautiful, young woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well," she says looking him up and down, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."

Added on Friday, September 5th

Top 10 things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

1. Finally find that damned G spot!