New Puns

Added on Tuesday, June 23rd

One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U. Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.

They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points.

"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

Added on Tuesday, January 20th

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena. His opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could.

But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.

Added on Wednesday, October 15th

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD drive and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

Added on Thursday, August 7th

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes.

In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"

Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."

Added on Tuesday, December 4th

Q: Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

A: Because it's too cold out tide.

Added on Wednesday, November 28th

Two ropes walk into a bar. They sit down and the bartender says. "Hey we don't serve ropes in here."

Both ropes get up and step outside. One rope says "I'm going to find another bar" and the other rope starts to ruffle and tie himself in a knot. "Well I'm going back in there, who does he think he is"

So the rope goes back into the same bar. When the bartender comes over and spots the same rope he says. "Hey didn't I just tell you that I don't serve ropes?...."

The rope says "Yep" and then the bartender asks "You are a rope aren't you?"

The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot."

Added on Monday, November 26th

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Added on Tuesday, November 6th

For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.

The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see what they do - we can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member.

After a few minutes of this they rush together and make tumultuous love.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more inflamed herself.

"Darling, this is going to be so good," she says: "Run right out for some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"

Added on Tuesday, November 6th

Q: Why is virginity like a balloon?

A: All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

Added on Friday, May 4th

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.