New Redhead Jokes

Added on Thursday, December 6th

Redhead - A Chemical Analysis

Element: Redhead
Symbol: RH
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer: It's debatable, some say Adam, but we now know, that only God could discover something so perfect!
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties

1. Surface usually covered with minimal painted film. As a rule, not necessary.
2. Boils at everything, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5. Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties

1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4. Reactive in liquids, even more, increased activity when saturated in alcohol.
5. Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6. Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can greatly improve hormonal levels.
3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
4. Incapable of cooling things down, when it's too hot.

Tests

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.

Added on Friday, May 11th     Submitted by: Net Newton

A Redhead is just a blonde who didn't make the finals.

Added on Tuesday, March 27th

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking redheaded lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."

Added on Thursday, August 31st

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. She's a redhead and is driving me nuts! You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."

The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six times a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."

"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away." He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while at a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.

"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your redheaded wife?"

"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."

Added on Monday, March 20th

Differences Between Good Girls and Redheads

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Redheads make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.
Redheads wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Redheads know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Redheads don't wear any.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Redheads think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Redheads only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Redheads pack their diaphragms.

Good girls wear high heels to work.
Redheads wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Redheads think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Redheads do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say 'no'.
Redheads say 'when?'

Good girls say "Thanks for a wonderful dinner."
Redheads say, "What's for breakfast?"

Good girls keep a diary.
Redheads don't have time.

Good girls love Italian food.
Redheads love Italian waiters.

Good girls will apologize, brown nose and kiss YOUR ass.
Redheads will tell ya to kiss my lily, white ass.

Added on Monday, March 6th

Q: When should you steer clear of a red head?

A: When she is out of batteries.

Added on Friday, March 3rd

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. The redhead turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The redhead asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the redhead asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Added on Tuesday, February 21st

A redheaded woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "STOP!! STOP!! You're NOT going to... to cut it off, ARE YOU?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, laid down the hacksaw within her husbands reach and said "Nope. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Added on Tuesday, January 31st

A woman in a northeast Pennsylvania art gallery is staring at an exquisite painting entitled 'Home for Lunch'. It depicts three very naked black men sitting on a park bench with their penises in plain view. But while all the men are black, the one in the middle has a pink penis.

"Excuse me," the woman says to the exhibits curator. "I am curious about this painting of three African-Americans. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," says the curator. "These men are not African-American; they're coal miners , and the fellow in the middle went 'home for lunch' to his redheaded wife.

Added on Tuesday, January 31st

Two men were talking. One said: I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead.

"What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said, "Casseroled is a cooking term, meaning to be done slowly for a long time."

The first man shrugged. "Exactly." he replied.