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New Redneck Jokes

The most recently added 10 New Redneck Jokes. Please rate as many Random Redneck Jokes as you feel like.
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Q: How do you know if you are at a redneck’s wedding?

A: The bride keeps calling the groom daddy.



Redneck Word of the Day: Twerk

"Imma have a few beers before I get back twerk"



You've joined a redneck HMO if...

-The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's.
-Directions to the doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
-The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
-The only proctologist lists his address as Roto-rooter.
-The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
-Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill.
-Preventive Care Coverage includes 'an apple a day.'
-Your Prozac comes in colors and has little M's on each pill.
-The only 100% covered expense is embalming.
-Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.



Redneck Vocabulary

ahz: the things you see with
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
bawl: what water does at 212 degrees.
bidness: commercial enterprise
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce.
co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink.
clinics: a tissue
crine: weeping
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami.
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music.
dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word.
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light.
ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off".
far: combustion
git: to acquire
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball.
hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal.
lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs.
liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept.
nekkid: to be unclothed.
ole well: a source of petroleum.
own: opposite of awf (see lectricity).
paypuh: what you write on.
shevuhlay: a General Motors car.
spearmint: something scientists do.
stow: establishment where things are sold.
tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat.
uhmurkin: someone who lives in the united state of uhmurka.
zackly: precisely



Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob ..

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."



Redneck Etiquette

PERSONAL HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.


DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.


THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

When asked to deliver the eulogy at a funeral, remember to honor the deceased. However, don't brag about his romantic exploits, his ability to hold his liquor, how proficient he was with spray paint, or about the really wild parties he used to have.



Redneck Tip: Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.



The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family, well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Tennessee A & M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.



More Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say

-I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
-Duct tape won't fix that.
-Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
-Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
-We don't keep firearms in this house.
-Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
-You can't feed that to the dog.
-I thought Graceland was tacky.
-No kids in the back of the pick-up; it's not safe.
-Wrasslin's fake.
-Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
-We're vegetarians.
-Do you think my hair is too big?
-I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
-Honey, do these Bonsai trees need watering?
-Who's Richard Petty?
-Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
-Deer heads detract from the decor.
-Spitting is such a nasty habit.
-I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
-Trim the fat off that steak.
-Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
-The tires on that truck are too big.
-I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
-I've got it all on a floppy disk.
-Unsweetened tea tastes better.
-Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
-My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
-I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
-Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
-Checkmate.
-She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
-Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
-Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.
-I don't have a favorite college team.
-Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
-I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
-Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
-Elvis who?



Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."