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New Toilet Humor

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Q: What was in the bathroom after the step Dad finished?

A: The step stool

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?

A: Because the P is silent!

A restaurant manager walks into the bathroom, and sees one of his customers scrubbing the toilets.

"What are you doing that for? You don't need to do that!"

The customer looks at the manager and says, "But...the sign on the wall says wash room."

This husband kisses his wife goodbye and drove off to work. Halfway there, he remembered that he forgot something. So he turned the car around and drove back home.

When he walked back into the bedroom of his house, there was his wife, lying totally nude on the bed and the milkman standing totally nude beside her.

The milkman promptly went into a squatting position on the rug and said, "I'm glad you're here, Mr. Smith, because I was just telling your wife that if she doesn't pay the milk bill, I'm gonna shit all over the floor."

Q: What did the toilet bowl say to the police man?

A: I have seen more bums than you!

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

"Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman.

"Hello, all," I announced.

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'.

"The census bureau?" I asked.

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly.

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper.

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked.

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me.

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'."

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me.

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump."

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

"You don't know Jack Schitt..." Now you'll know the rest of the story.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the "Knee Deep Schitt Inn." Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shorty after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.