New Toilet Humor

Added on Monday, November 19th

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong.

He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower.

"Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

Added on Monday, May 7th

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman.

"Hello, all," I announced.

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'.

"The census bureau?" I asked.

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly.

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper.

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked.

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me.

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'."

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me.

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump."

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.

Added on Monday, April 23rd

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"

"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

Added on Wednesday, March 14th

"You don't know Jack Schitt..." Now you'll know the rest of the story.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate married Oh Schitt, the owner of the "Knee Deep Schitt Inn." Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shorty after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

NOW YOU KNOW JACK SCHITT!

Added on Wednesday, January 17th

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more Than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, We are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, Vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a Distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be full Of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing this as a public service.

Added on Thursday, October 26th

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

Added on Wednesday, June 21st

More shitty than a lactose intolerant at a dairy eating competition

Added on Friday, March 10th

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper, what do you a call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

Added on Thursday, December 8th

Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?

A: Toast is brown on both sides.

Added on Monday, October 10th

Types of People You Meet in the Washroom

Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable: Joins friend in piss whether he has to go or not.

Crosseyed: Looks into left urinal, pisses into one in center, flushes one on right.

Nosy: Looks into next urinal to see how guy is fixed.

Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he has already used it.

Indifferent: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

Clever: No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.

Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately, makes quick inspection.

Absentminded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.

Sneak: Farts silently while leaking, sets very innocent, knows man next to him will be blamed.

Childish: Leaks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads paper with free hand.

Desperate: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Efficient: Waits till he has to crap, then does both at the same time.

Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.

Fat: Has to back up and take long shot at the urinal, misses, and pisses on shoes.

Little: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

Radical: Ignores urinal, pisses on wall.