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New Women Jokes

The most recently added 10 New Women Jokes. Please rate as many Random Women Jokes as you feel like.
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Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent...

Wedding Cake

I was so embarrassed last week. My Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades.

She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned. At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"

The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades. She was brought back to earth when she continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"

Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward.

"At least they're finally together."

"Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs."

The Difference in Men and Women Using an ATM

1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away

1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake

There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:

Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."

Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."

Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"

Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"

Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."

Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."

Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."

A lady went to her doctor when she accidentally got her vibrator stuck deep inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I could afford an operation right now," replied the lady. "Could you just replace the batteries for a nominal fee?"

Why is a beer better than a woman?

You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.

Entry in young woman's diary :

Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part!