30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts
In The Way of the Dragon, Chuck Norris's ass-kicking at the hands of Bruce Lee isn't all staged. During one especially close exchange, Chuck Norris attempted to cop a feel, which Mr. Lee did not appreciate. The subsequent scene was left in "for the sake of reality."
After a night of passionate love with Tony Danza, Chuck Norris took the morning after pill, fearing an unwanted pregnancy.
Chuck Norris doesn't like fat chicks. He loves them.
Chuck Norris lights mini-scented candles around the tub when he takes a bath.
Chuck Norris would go straight if he could fuck Rosie O'Donnell. Too bad she is holding out to go straight for Tom Cruise, who is holding out to go gay for Heath Ledger.
Chuck Norris has a signed poster of Vin Diesel directly above his bed. Sadly, Chuck Norris does not realize that the signature is a mass-produced mechanical replica.
Although Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is extremely effective, he has two right feet and can therefore only use it if his enemy is on his right. Stand on his left and Chuck Norris is as dangerous as Barney the Dinosaur's yellow friend.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He passes out after two wine coolers.
Although he has the power to eliminate them, Chuck Norris allows emos to exist. Jesus rolls his eyes at this gesture every time.
Chuck Norris raped my dog. And then my youth. And then my dog again.
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac from Burger King, and got one, because no one wanted to hear him pout about it again.
The only number Chuck Norris can divide by is 0, because Chuck Norris is the definition of nothing.
Chuck Norris' poo is pure roughage.
Chuck Norris was once seen following a girl out of a bedroom at a party saying, "Listen, I'm sorry, that doesn't usually happen..."
Chuck Norris changed his name to Chuck in 1972 because he was in fact the Charlie we were searching for in 'Nam.
Chuck Norris lives on an island surrounded by a sea of his own tears.
Chuck Norris shampoos with conditioner, and then actually repeats.
Chuck Norris bet on Poland in both World Wars.
As a teen, Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game. They were also shut out five times that season.
Chuck Norris has been quoted as hitting on girls using the line, "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if the wood chuck got with YOU!"
When asked what his favorite movie was, Chuck Norris replied, "The Notebook. No, no, no, wait I'm just kidding! It's Garden State."
Chuck Norris, on the set of Sidekicks, asked Jonathan Brandis to tone down his acting skills so that Chuck Norris wouldn't look so bad. Chuck Norris used the third person in an attempt to trick Jonathan Brandis into thinking the request was not at the behest of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can suck the AIDS virus right out of a grown man's cock, then spit it into a bottle for research.
Chuck Norris' DNA is made up of four leaf clovers, unicorns, and smiles.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors. Who knew so many people could die of laughter?
Chuck Norris has a summer home on "Brokeback Mountain."
Chuck Norris came over for dinner once and raped me. It was the worst forced sex I have ever had.
Chuck Norris' vagina is so wide that his thighs don't touch even when his legs are crossed.
Chuck Norris started the "Chuck Norris Facts" in hopes of finding a new love. Upon finding out the majority of fans using the facts were guys, Chuck Norris wept with joy.