30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts Chuck Norris once passed out during a marathon because his thick, award-winning whiskers were blocking air from entering his nasal cavity. Chuck Norris' milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Chuck Norris listens to Fall Out Boy and cries. Chuck Norris, on the set of Sidekicks, asked Jonathan Brandis to tone down his acting skills so that Chuck Norris wouldn't look so bad. Chuck Norris used the third person in an attempt to trick Jonathan Brandis into thinking the request was not at the behest of Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is an avid reader. He proudly owns all first edition copies of "The Babysitters Club." Chuck Norris was once arrested in a small Midwestern town for public indecency. During his four-hour stay in the local jail, he was made the bitch to a pre-op transsexual named Phil. Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $500 and leave with $500. Chuck Norris majored in liberal arts. It was his first choice. Chuck Norris once ate a dog because he couldn't find the can opener in his new cabinets. Chuck Norris always pours his beer into a glass before drinking it. He giggles like a schoolboy when the glass produces head, then slurps it down like a fag. Chuck Norris' hip breaking was heard across 12 states. Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag. Chuck Norris would go straight if he could fuck Rosie O'Donnell. Too bad she is holding out to go straight for Tom Cruise, who is holding out to go gay for Heath Ledger. Chuck Norris was once invited back to his high school to speak at a graduation. Upon his arrival, Screech, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse said, "That's not Zack Morris, that's Chuck Norris!" Mr. Belding broke the bad news to the class that Zack would not be attending the graduation, then delivered a roundhouse kick to Chuck Norris and sent him to detention. For Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick is not a signature move, it's just the closest he can come to his high school cheerleading days, which he misses sorely. Chuck Norris is Jesus to mindless, trend-loving Americans. He even turns water into wine coolers. Chuck Norris puts dye in his beard because he is afraid of grey hairs. Chuck Norris can't have a dog because dogs are allergic to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris will ram his rod straight down the throat of anyone who calls him gay. He's just funny like that. The number of people who saw Gigli is higher than Chuck Norris' white blood cell count. Chuck Norris's favorite Mario Kart character is Princess Peach. Princess Peach's favorite "Walker, Texas Ranger" character is Jimmy Trivette. Osama Bin Laden told Chuck Norris about the 9/11 attacks on 9/10 in order to ensure that his plan would not be foiled. Before being discovered as a martial arts talent, Chuck Norris was a writer for Hallmark greeting cards. Chuck Norris once shook my hand. It felt like I was holding on to 5 wet noodles of spaghetti. Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a fag, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking. Although he has the power to eliminate them, Chuck Norris allows emos to exist. Jesus rolls his eyes at this gesture every time. Chuck Norris only started taking Karate lessons because his friends made fun of the fact that he went to Yoga classes on Tuesday and Thursday. Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work. Chuck Norris once took a kick to the balls and didn't flinch. Chuck Norris does not have balls. |
