30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts30 Random Anti-Chuck Norris Facts Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife's name when they were married. Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag. Chuck Norris once took a kick to the balls and didn't flinch. Chuck Norris does not have balls. Chuck Norris cuts the roof of his mouth when he eats Cap'n Crunch. Chuck Norris always wears knee pads. When asked if they were for stunt purposes, Chuck Norris replied "sure." Chuck Norris has yet to find the G-spot. Scientists find it perplexing that Chuck Norris doesn't know his way around his vagina. Chuck Norris once asked a group of people, "What's white, sticky, and falling from the sky?" Chuck Norris then licked his lips, rubbed his hands, and replied "The cumming of the Lord." Chuck Norris hasn't completed a full roundhouse kick since 1998, when he tore his sack during a taping of "Walker, Texas Ranger." Chuck Norris, realizing he his career is going down the tube, drowns himself in a gallon of ice cream which is promptly melted by his warm, salty tears. Chuck Norris manages a Baskin Robbins franchise. It only has access to 23 flavors. Chuck Norris was once a female East German shot-putter named Berta Schultz. She was laughed off the team for throwing like a girl. Several operations later, Berta became Chuck. S/he lives with that shame every day. Chuck Norris is from Texas. Only steers and queers come from Texas. Chuck Norris has no horns. Chuck Norris once ate a dog because he couldn't find the can opener in his new cabinets. Chuck Norris once got a splinter and was rushed immediately to the ER, screaming "I'm too young to die!" the whole way. As a child, Chuck Norris was often caught spooning with other ginger kids during nap time. Chuck Norris throws with his right hand like I do with my left hand. I'm right-handed. The morning after sex with his girlfriend, Chuck Norris likes to greet her with breakfast in bed. Chuck Norris has been quoted as hitting on girls using the line, "How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if the wood chuck got with YOU!" Chuck Norris once painted a portrait of himself. He only used 3 colors. Nobody said anything. Chuck Norris once was at the theater watching Crossroads, when someone spotted him sending the following text message to someone: "Count me in on the gay clown orgy." Chuck Norris always insists that he's joking when he sniggers in his camp voice, "I'm going outside to have a fag, and then I'm going to have a cigarette." But we all know he's not joking. Chuck Norris adopts orphans from the Asian tsunami disaster, only to make them sit for hours in his pool while he yells at them for not having emotional breakthroughs. Chuck Norris lives on an island surrounded by a sea of his own tears. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man it is not because he has run out of women. It is because he was born that way. It wasn't his choice. Chuck Norris once went into a bar and was heard saying, "I'll have a Mike's Hard Lemonade." Chuck Norris has to wear a helmet to every meal, not because he is special, but because Christie Brinkley loses her temper when the airplane is not allowed to land. Chuck Norris is the only person whom the Axe Effect Deodorant Spray will not work on. Chuck Norris is the only man who can enter a strip club with $500 and leave with $500. Chuck Norris employs a legion of Mexican landscapers to suppress the manly wilderness that is his back. |