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30 Random Chuck Norris Jokes

Here are 30 Random Chuck Norris Facts.
You can also see the Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts as rated by our users. Would you please rate some of our Random Chuck Norris Facts?

Current Joke Rating: 3.08

Chuck Norris needs a monkey wrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Current Joke Rating: 3.09

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

Current Joke Rating: 2.99

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

Current Joke Rating: 2.92

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

Current Joke Rating: 2.86

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Current Joke Rating: 3.33

Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

Current Joke Rating: 3.2

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Current Joke Rating: 2.81

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb

Current Joke Rating: 2.92

Luke Skywalker uses the Force. The Force uses Chuck Norris.

Current Joke Rating: 3.2

70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

Current Joke Rating: 3.26

Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

Current Joke Rating: 3.01

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Current Joke Rating: 2.91

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

Current Joke Rating: 3.01

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Current Joke Rating: 3.29

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Current Joke Rating: 2.83

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

Current Joke Rating: 3.24

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Current Joke Rating: 3.13

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Current Joke Rating: 2.81

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Current Joke Rating: 3.22

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Current Joke Rating: 3.04

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Current Joke Rating: 2.93

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

Current Joke Rating: 3.01

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Current Joke Rating: 3.17

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Current Joke Rating: 3.06

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

Current Joke Rating: 2.65

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

Current Joke Rating: 2.99

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Current Joke Rating: 3.09

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Current Joke Rating: 3.08

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Current Joke Rating: 2.76

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.