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Top 30 Anti-Chuck Norris Jokes

Top 30 Chuck Norris Jokes based on how YOU rate them.
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Current Rating: 3.29

Chuck Norris puts dye in his beard because he is afraid of grey hairs.

Current Rating: 3.24

Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms. Tiny, baby rattlesnakes.

Current Rating: 3.19

Chuck Norris lives on an island surrounded by a sea of his own tears.

Current Rating: 3.18

Chuck Norris won't suck one, but he will hold it in his mouth until it goes soft.

Current Rating: 3.17

Chuck Norris has to wear a helmet to every meal, not because he is special, but because Christie Brinkley loses her temper when the airplane is not allowed to land.

Current Rating: 3.15

Chuck Norris was once invited back to his high school to speak at a graduation. Upon his arrival, Screech, Slater, Kelly, Lisa, and Jesse said, "That's not Zack Morris, that's Chuck Norris!" Mr. Belding broke the bad news to the class that Zack would not be attending the graduation, then delivered a roundhouse kick to Chuck Norris and sent him to detention.

Current Rating: 3.14

If you say "Chuck Norris" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Chuck Norris will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.

Current Rating: 3.13

Chuck Norris was seen running out of Jenny Craig crying because his strict diet of Tony Danza's spunk didn't work.

Current Rating: 3.11

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because hunting implies that you might kill something. Chuck Norris goes bird watching.

Current Rating: 3.09

Chuck Norris has a signed poster of Vin Diesel directly above his bed. Sadly, Chuck Norris does not realize that the signature is a mass-produced mechanical replica.

Current Rating: 3.08

Chuck Norris listens to Fall Out Boy and cries.

Current Rating: 3.08

Chuck Norris is proud of the facts that his pubes are longer and girthier than his penis.

Current Rating: 3.06

Chuck Norris' DNA is made up of four leaf clovers, unicorns, and smiles.

Current Rating: 3.05

Chuck Norris is a chronic self-deprecating masturbator.

Current Rating: 3.04

For Chuck Norris, the roundhouse kick is not a signature move, it's just the closest he can come to his high school cheerleading days, which he misses sorely.

Current Rating: 3.04

Chuck Norris was once heard saying, "Boy, I sure wish Jessica Simpson had smaller tits."

Current Rating: 3.04

Steven Segal once took a Total Gym and rammed it up Chuck Norris' ass. Sideways. Chuck Norris never flinched.

Current Rating: 3.04

Chuck Norris cried after 15 minutes on the IGN Vestibule.

Current Rating: 3.04

The morning after sex with his girlfriend, Chuck Norris likes to greet her with breakfast in bed.

Current Rating: 3.03

Chuck Norris once had sex with a woman, but his orgasm was so powerful it blew a hole threw her. Then he cried and tried to cuddle with her bleeding vagina.

Current Rating: 3.03

Chuck Norris' farts are silent and deadly. Deadly because he's Chuck Norris, silent because his butthole is extremely loose.

Current Rating: 3.02

Chuck Norris was born Chuck Stevens but took his wife's name when they were married.

Current Rating: 3.02

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He passes out after two wine coolers.

Current Rating: 3.01

Chuck Norris masturbates furiously in a corner whenever he sees a Bowflex commercial.

Current Rating: 3.01

Chuck Norris once was at the theater watching Crossroads, when someone spotted him sending the following text message to someone: "Count me in on the gay clown orgy."

Current Rating: 3.01

Chuck Norris is so gay, when he got to Brokeback auditions he handed the other actors a 12" dildo pulled down his pants and asked who was first.

Current Rating: 3.01

Richard Simmons once told Chuck Norris to quit acting like such a fag.

Current Rating: 3.01

Chuck Norris didn't really tell Admiral Akbar about the trap.

Current Rating: 3.01

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he looks in his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck's ass is still sore from the last time he was found.

Current Rating: 3

Stephen Hawking once beat Chuck Norris in a foot race.