Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts

Current Rating: 4

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Current Rating: 3.9

Due to Newton's 3rd law of motion, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Current Rating: 3.7

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Current Rating: 3.67

Chuck Norris can hear Silence

Current Rating: 3.61

Chuck Norris is the only person to count to infinity... twice.

Current Rating: 3.6

Cars don't hit Chuck Norris they get hit by Chuck Norris

Current Rating: 3.54

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Current Rating: 3.54

Chuck Norris can stick a CD up his ass and burn data onto it

Current Rating: 3.52

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Current Rating: 3.46

Three guys are sitting in a bar, an Italian, a Frenchman, and Chuck Norris. As the Italian and Frenchman discuss their love lives, Chuck can't help but overhear.

The Italian says, "Last night I made love to my wife and this morning she said she loved me more than ever." Chuck gives a quiet laugh.

The Frenchman says, "That's nothin', last night, I made love to my wife and this morning she told me I was the best she's ever had." Chuck gives another laugh.

Seeing this, the two men ask him who he is. Chuck responds, "I'm Chuck Norris." The men then ask if he made love to his wife last night. Chuck replies with a Yes. Then the men ask what she said to him this morning.
She said, "Don't stop."

Current Rating: 3.43

Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

Current Rating: 3.4

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Current Rating: 3.4

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Current Rating: 3.4

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Current Rating: 3.36

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Current Rating: 3.35

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Current Rating: 3.34

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Current Rating: 3.32

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Current Rating: 3.32

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Current Rating: 3.32

When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.

Current Rating: 3.31

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Current Rating: 3.31

Chuck Norris once crawled through the desert, for miles, with an erection. His trail is called the Grand Canyon.

Current Rating: 3.3

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Current Rating: 3.3

Chuck Norris doesn't chop his grass he dares it to grow!!

Current Rating: 3.29

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Current Rating: 3.28

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.

Current Rating: 3.28

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Current Rating: 3.27

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Current Rating: 3.26

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Current Rating: 3.25

Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.