Top 5 Best Dirty Jokes

Current Rating: 3.68

The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits."

She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you bastard."

Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were.

She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and asked what 'shit' was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream".

The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again asked what 'fuck' was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell rang.

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Current Rating: 3.65

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Current Rating: 3.63

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother....who's only 9 years old...

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things started to heat up. The guy remembered that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!" she screams. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts up,"Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

Current Rating: 3.57

A man walks into an old antique store and sees nothing he likes except this strange object in the corner. He asks the old man who owns the store what it is, and he replies "a magic dildo."

The man doesn't believe him, but the store owner explains that to activate it, you say "magic dildo" and then its destination. So the man thinks, why not, and brings it home to his wife and says "magic dildo pussy." His wife absolutely loves it, but the next day the man has to leave on a business trip, so he leaves the dildo with his wife, after warning her to be very careful.

She promises, but as soon as he leaves, she turns it on, and has orgasm after orgasm. Shortly however, she wants to stop, but she realizes she doesn't know how. Panicking, she jumped into the car and started to drive to the hospital. Unfortunately however, she was swerving all over the road because of the dildo and she is quickly pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks her why she was driving so recklessly and she says, "well officer, I have a magic dildo stuck in my pussy and I need to get to the hospital"

To which the cop replies "Magic dildo, my ass"

Current Rating: 3.52

A husband had been away from home for a couple weeks and had a romantic evening planned for him and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along. Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts "Dad, if you think your getting fucked in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner convention going past.