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Top 5 Best Man Jokes

Top 5 Best Man Jokes according to the votes of our surfers.
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Current Rating: 3.5

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Current Rating: 3.35

What men say, and what they mean....

1. "I'm going fishing"
- Means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"

2. "It's a guy thing"
- Means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

3. "Can I help with dinner?"
- Means... "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

4. 'Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear"
- Means... Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

5. "It would take too long to explain"
- Means... "I have no idea how it works".

6. "We're going to be late"
- Means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
- Means... "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard"
- Means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

9. "That's interesting dear"
- Means... "Are you still talking?"

10. "It's a really good movie"
- Means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".

11. "That's women's work"
- Means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".

12. "You know how bad my memory is"
- Means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday".

13. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses"
- Means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".

14. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal"
- Means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".

16. "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing"
- Means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

17. "I can't find it"
- Means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".

18. "What did I do this time?"
- Means... "What did you catch me at?"

19. "I heard you"
- Means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

20. "You know I could never love anyone else"
- Means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".

21. "You look terrific"
- Means... "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"

22. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are"
- Means... "No one will ever see us alive again".

23. "We share the housework"
- Means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up".

Current Rating: 3.31

Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."

Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"

Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'"

Current Rating: 3.29

What a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, "C'MON!
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!"

Current Rating: 3.27

30 harsh things to say to a naked man!

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.