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Top 5 Best Toilet Humor Jokes

Top 5 Best Toilet Humor Jokes according to the votes of our surfers.
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Current Rating: 3.22

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

Current Rating: 3.14

A woman goes to her boyfriends’ parent’s house for dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making tears come to her eyes and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn’t loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman’s feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy".

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!’

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes".
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t ever think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Current Rating: 3.12

I’m sure that upon reading this, you’ll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven’t you need more fibre.

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It’s rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper’s tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn’t matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle’s heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you’ve finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you’re wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back.
Tip of the day - blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you’ll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you’ve got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You’ve finished but there’s one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn’t enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you’ve done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don’t, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

Current Rating: 3.11

Types of People You Meet in the Washroom

Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable: Joins friend in piss whether he has to go or not.

Crosseyed: Looks into left urinal, pisses into one in center, flushes one on right.

Nosy: Looks into next urinal to see how guy is fixed.

Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, flushes urinal as if he has already used it.

Indifferent: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

Clever: No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.

Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately, makes quick inspection.

Absentminded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.

Sneak: Farts silently while leaking, sets very innocent, knows man next to him will be blamed.

Childish: Leaks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see the bubbles.

Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads paper with free hand.

Desperate: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Efficient: Waits till he has to crap, then does both at the same time.

Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.

Fat: Has to back up and take long shot at the urinal, misses, and pisses on shoes.

Little: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

Radical: Ignores urinal, pisses on wall.

Current Rating: 3.1

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said.

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"

"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."