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A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his beer, his monkey starts running around. The monkey first picks up an olive from an empty glass and eats it. Then grabs a wedge of lime and eats that too. The bartender is amazed! The monkey then runs to a pool table where he proceeds to grab the cue ball and swallow it whole!

The bartender shrieks, "hey mister your fucking monkey ate my cue ball!".

The guy replies "yeah, he's a crazy bastard! I'll pay for everything." The man pays for everything, apologizes and exits.

Two weeks later the man returns with the monkey again. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking, the monkey jumps on top of the bar, grabs a cocktail cherry, jams it up his ass, and then eats it! The bartender is astonished. He shrieks, "Mister your monkey just shoved a cherry up his ass and ate it!"

The man replies, " Yeah I know, after the cue ball, he's learned to measure everything first!"

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