I love being a mom.  I love having this little bundle of non-stop energy that just wants to run and play all day. I love seeing the world through his eyes and rediscovering it all again.  I love the little phrases that he suddenly comes up with.  I love that when he is tired or hurt he wants to "hold you me."  That when he wants me to rock him he asks me to dance.  That without fail, every single morning, he crawls into bed with me to snuggle up against me and go back to sleep.  I love it all but one single part.  The Guilt.

That's right, I capitalized Guilt. Because seriously it is like no other thing I have experienced.  And I feel like as a mom you feel guilty over so many things.  Was I too hard on him or not hard enough?  Do I push him or let him figure it out?  Why did I have to lose my temper?  Why DIDN'T I get mad?  On and on and on.

Today was a particularly hard day of Mommy Guilt because when I drop the Boy off at his preschool he was sobbing.  He didn't want to go.  He wouldn't tell me why.  He was just clinging to me and refusing to let go.  So as I drove away good 'ol Mommy Guilt reared her head and started in. Maybe I should have left him, maybe I should have left quicker, what if something is really wrong, what if I'm not pushing him enough.  UGH.   The farther I got from him the worse I felt.  So by the time I actually got to work I was in full tears.  Just the way I like to start my day.

But then I started getting mad.  Because really no one is doing this to me but myself.  I know I'm not a bad mom.  I'm not perfect but I try really hard.  He is a happy, healthy boy who has many good people in his life and feels the love of them all.  He goes to bed with a full belly and wakes up knowing momma will be there.  While being a working mom has definitely made things a bit harder at times, in my opinion it has made me better.  Being fulfilled in all aspects of my life makes me well rounded as a person and as a mom.  I appreciate the days of fun that we have knowing that I will have to be away from him the next day.  And despite today's sobbing I know it is good for him too.  While I would love for him to forever be my baby I know that isn't possible.  I know that this is just the beginning of his stretching and growing.  I know he won't look back on these days and think what a crappy mom I was.

So here's the lesson I'm teaching myself in hopes that one day I can pass it along to my son.  Give yourself a break.  Do your very best.  Put your best foot forward.  Know some days you will fail and others you will thrive.  But most of all, let go of the guilt.  Or at least try to.

Getting up every four hours to feed (because my boy is suddenly a newborn again) = exhausting.

Having to completely change my clothes and his because he wet through his NIGHTTIME diaper = irritating.

Putting the boy in his crib for the first time and having him talk himself to sleep AND letting mommy sleep in her bed for four and half blissful hours = WORTH IT.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Repeat as needed.  And its needed a lot of late.

Jackson is waking up.  He is getting to point where he is staying awake a little longer and noticing things around him.  And everything is a treat, an amazing wonder.  As I watch him, eyes wide open, take in his expanding world I find myself looking around in wonder too.  As I do jazz hands above his head he stares at them as if they are the most amazing thing he has ever seen.  Every person that says hello is someone new that deserves to be studied and given a grin. The toys hanging above his head are carefully watched.  And his reflection is the favorite of all! I often wonder what he is thinking because he is concentrating so hard on all these new things.  It makes me excited too to show him all my favorite things.  The big blue sky.  A red tulip.  The ocean.  The sand.  Lightening.  A rainbow.  And I'm excited to see these things through his eyes too.  To see them again for the first time.  There is nothing like the wonder of a child to bring the child out in you.

It's been 10 whole days since you've heard from me.  I will give you 3 guesses what I've been doing!  Been buried under baby clothes and diapers! 

Last week was rough.  ROUGH.  Jackson wasn't feeling too good for a couple of days.  Lots of gas thanks to the eating habits of his momma!  Yea me.  (cue Mommy Guilt)  Then it all seemed to go downhill from there.  It was just a frustrating and hard week.  And honestly I didn't want to get on here and continue to complain.  But Thursday things started turning around.  Thanks to an really good Mommy & Me meeting and lunch AND I got my hair done that night.  That's right, I left baby and daddy to fend for themselves for three and half hours.  It was heaven.  And also nerve racking.  But we all survived.  Daddy and Jackson did well and momma came back feeling a bit like her old self.

The weather has also been really nice here which I think definitely helps the mood.  There is just something about sunshine that heals the soul.  I'm not looking forward to the dreariness and rain we have coming our way next week but I'm just going to take it one day at a time. 

All in all we are making it.  We learn something every day and our figuring out how to make our little family work.  And nothing beats rolling over in the morning to the big smile of a six week old who is just so happy you even say his name.

Did any of you watch Kendra on Sunday night?  Yes, I know that is a weird question and she is annoying but she just had a baby as well and I find myself obssessed with any one else that just had a baby.  Anyway, I watched it.  And I cried the whole way through.  EVERYTHING she said, I felt.  Hello, insecurity, my old friend.

If you have had a kid you know what I'm talking about.  My body will never be the same.  Parts of my body changed that I didn't even SEE change while I was pregnant.  I realize I'm only 5 weeks post partum but insecurity sets in quick.  I look at myself now and I don't recognize who I am in so many ways.  My body is completely different.  And not that it was ever "slammin" to begin with but it was mine and I knew it.  My clothes don't even fit the same because things have shifted.  Nothing is where it used to be.  At least when you are pregnant you can get away with all that.  Now I'm stuck somewhere in between maternity clothes too big and regular clothes too small.  And you know what it's not even that they are too small!  They just don't FIT the same.  GRRRRRRR.

But let's keep going.  I'm a married woman who is attracted to her husband, but I've changed so much insecurity rears it's ugly head and makes me wonder, "Does he find the new me attractive?"  Can he look past the jiggly and the stretch marks?  Can you find me under the pjs and sweaty hair?  Am I still a good wife if I can't seem to find the time to clean the house like I used, make dinner like I used to and pay attention to him like I used to?  I'm a firm believer in keeping your marriage strong after kids.  I don't want Jackson to be the only center of our marriage.  Our relationship is so important and I know that unless we continue to care for it, it will suffer.  Now if I could only find the energy.

This is a hard transition for me.  My Type A personality is really taking a beating.  Learning to let go and realize that sometimes you just have to be satisfied with the best you can do is not an easy task.  But I  will keep plugging along, figuring this all out.  Doing my best to beat my old enemy down.

I'm tired. TIRED. TI-RED.  I'm getting a little taste of being on my own this week.  My hubby and I were fortunate enough that he was able to take a whole month off of work.  But the last three days he has been helping my BIL out and working for him.  On one hand I'm happy to help family and for the extra dinero, but on the other hand, I'M TIRED. 

My boy got a cold at one week old.  I cannot tell you what a bad momma I feel like to have a one week old with a cold.  We took him to the doctor and our pediatrician (whom I LOVE!) calmed our fears and told us just to ride it out.  He is getting better but his little cough kills me!  Shakes his whole little body.  The first two nights he had the cold I could sleep because I was scared to death he was going to stop breathing.  So every single solitary noise he made I was awake.  And now he has gone from being an awesome sleeper to a cat napper during the day.  Let me tell you there isn't much you can get done when your baby only sleep 30 minutes at a time.  My house is a disaster.  Well, that's not totally true.  I keep it picked up but there has been no dusting or cleaning going on.  Which I suppose I probably shouldn't care about but I do.  Especially when people want to come visit.  Which I WANT them and need them to do.  I don't want to seem like a lazy housekeeper!

My hubby has been quite amazing.  We had a bit of a bump but we are figuring out how to help each other figure it all out.  The first day he went to help my BIL, he walked in the door, took a shower and said, "Here give me the baby.  You get out of the house for a bit."  You've never seen anyone get dressed so fast in their life.  Nor have you ever seen someone relish 30 minutes at the store like I did.  And the nights when I didn't get any sleep he will take Jackson and let me go back to bed for a bit.  Thank God for good husbands.

All in all I think we are settling in.  Mommyhood is hard.  I knew it would be but you know how it is.  Knowing something and experiencing it are two totally different things.  I'm just trying not to push myself too hard and let some of my perfectionism go.  Which isn't easy for me.  I've had my breakdowns and my moments of irritation.  But I think I've pulled it together fairly quickly and straightened myself out.  Besides one can't fall apart when one has this butterball to look at all day.