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Top 10 Best Dirty Jokes

Today's Top 10 Best Dirty Jokes according to the votes of our surfers.
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Current Rating: 4.6

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of ELVIS on the inside of my right thigh."

The artist says "No Problem, get undressed and lay on the table." When he is done, he says "So, what do you think?"

She replies," That doesn't look like ELVIS at all! I want you to do it over on the inside of my left thigh" The artist agrees and when finished, asks for her to appraise his work. "DAMMIT,..not only does that not look like ELVIS, it looks just like the tattoo on my other thigh!"

Calmly the artist asks her if she would like a second opinion and he walks outside and grabs the first person he sees...a drunk. He brings him back inside, shoves his face between her legs and says, "I want you to look at these two tattoos and tell me who it is?" The drunk looks at one tattoo, then the other, and exclaims, "Well...I don't know about the twins, but that's WILLIE NELSON in the middle!"

Current Rating: 4.5

Paddy and Alexi are arguing over who has the greater cultural contribution, the Irish or the Greeks.

Alexi gets in the first shot. "Well, we built the Parthenon."

Paddy replies, "Sure now, and we discovered the Summer and Winter Solstice."

Alexi retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

Paddy nods in agreement, saying, "Aye, but we built the first timepieces and calendars."

Finally, Alexi smiles and says triumphantly, "We invented sex!"

To which Paddy replies, "Tis true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."

Current Rating: 4.3

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer."

The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."

The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey, ppplease."

The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00, please."

The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."

The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."

The guy shrugs. "Eeeeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."

Current Rating: 4.23

Entry in young woman's diary :

Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part!

Current Rating: 4.2

CNN journalist heard about an old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to pray twice a day for many years. She waits for him to interview him as he was leaving.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Fishbein," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

Thinking what a sensational human interest story this will make, the journalist asks one more question.

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

The old man shrugs. "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

Current Rating: 4

There was a Scottish man in a bar with his two friends minding there own business.

The next minute in storms two punks, one of the punks had long spiky hair, one spike blue, one spike green, one spike red and one spike yellow.

The Scottish man couldn't take his eyes off the punks hair.

This came to the punks attention after a while the punk said "have you got a problem mate?"

The Scottish man says "no, but can I ask how old you are please?"

The punk says "19, why?"

The Scottish man says "Well 20 years ago I had sex with a parrot so I might be your dad"

Current Rating: 4

Father O'Reilly listens patiently as the parishioner, Jack, lists a multitude of sins, including lying, theft and envy.

"Father, what can I do to avoid eternal damnation" Jack asks.

The good Father sighs. "First, my son, you must stop masturbating."

Surprised, Jack asks why.

"Because your in a Confessional."

Current Rating: 4

The morticians assistant was watching attentively as his mentor finished the last details on their most recent client.

He noticed the mortician paying extra attention to the shoes.

"Is that a new technique?", the assistant asked.

"No", replied the experienced mortician. "It's just something I've done for years."

Confused, the assistant asked "Is it an old tradition for good luck?"

The mortician looked up and replied, "Sort of. I tie the shoe laces together in case there is a zombie apocalypse. It will be hysterical!"

Current Rating: 4

Interesting tidbits... Did you know?

-Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

-Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

-It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

-It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

-The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

-A snail can sleep for three years.

-No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

-Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

-Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-All polar bears are left-handed.

-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

-TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

-"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

-A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

-The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

-Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

-Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you...

Current Rating: 4

The scene is the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve have just finished making love.

God looks down, sees Adam, and asks "Where's Eve?"

Adam replies, "She's down at the creek, washing up."

God smacks himself in the forehead, and exclaims "Great, now how am I ever going to get the smell off those poor fish!!!!"