Tuesday, March 16, 2010

My Old Enemy

Did any of you watch Kendra on Sunday night?  Yes, I know that is a weird question and she is annoying but she just had a baby as well and I find myself obssessed with any one else that just had a baby.  Anyway, I watched it.  And I cried the whole way through.  EVERYTHING she said, I felt.  Hello, insecurity, my old friend.

If you have had a kid you know what I'm talking about.  My body will never be the same.  Parts of my body changed that I didn't even SEE change while I was pregnant.  I realize I'm only 5 weeks post partum but insecurity sets in quick.  I look at myself now and I don't recognize who I am in so many ways.  My body is completely different.  And not that it was ever "slammin" to begin with but it was mine and I knew it.  My clothes don't even fit the same because things have shifted.  Nothing is where it used to be.  At least when you are pregnant you can get away with all that.  Now I'm stuck somewhere in between maternity clothes too big and regular clothes too small.  And you know what it's not even that they are too small!  They just don't FIT the same.  GRRRRRRR.

But let's keep going.  I'm a married woman who is attracted to her husband, but I've changed so much insecurity rears it's ugly head and makes me wonder, "Does he find the new me attractive?"  Can he look past the jiggly and the stretch marks?  Can you find me under the pjs and sweaty hair?  Am I still a good wife if I can't seem to find the time to clean the house like I used, make dinner like I used to and pay attention to him like I used to?  I'm a firm believer in keeping your marriage strong after kids.  I don't want Jackson to be the only center of our marriage.  Our relationship is so important and I know that unless we continue to care for it, it will suffer.  Now if I could only find the energy.

This is a hard transition for me.  My Type A personality is really taking a beating.  Learning to let go and realize that sometimes you just have to be satisfied with the best you can do is not an easy task.  But I  will keep plugging along, figuring this all out.  Doing my best to beat my old enemy down.


Jeff and Melissa Salters said...

Hang in there. I had to remember what was important and the house will still be there,along with the dirty laundry and dishes. Be sure to get plenty of rest.
You are a beautiful woman and don't forget it. I know it is awful when your clothes don't fit. I took my smaller maternity clothes to wear after I had Robert. What was I thinking? HA!
I love reading your blog and feel so blessed to be a part of this family. The post on Nicole's birthday was so special.
Love you guys,
Melissa :)

Girly Muse said...

Welcome to Motherhood.

Sorry. I wish I had something encouraging to say, but I STILL feel these things a lot of the time, only add to that challenges with potty training and sleep and x, y, z.

You're a new you once you're a mother. And even on the best days, it's a struggle to find a nice balance.

Thank God for God.

Sorry. I probably should not have commented today. :)

April said...

Good for you! It's definiely tough...it took me a while to remember to take care of ME and already that insecurity is not so strong (I'm not going to lie,it's still there, but I'm beating it down!).

I love my baby more than life itself but I do want to keep my sense of self and who I am. And remember that I am/can still be one sexy mama. LOL

Bekah said...

its hard in sooo many ways, you are right! as far as the clothes go, give yourself some more time. My clothes are just finally starting to look right on my again.

T.U. said...

I am here for you if you need me. I have been there, done that and (hopefully) have gained a little wisdom and perspective by now.

Everything you're experiencing is normal, but I know that doesn't make it easier.

Love you!