Thursday, November 1, 2012

The Mommy Curse

I love being a mom.  I love having this little bundle of non-stop energy that just wants to run and play all day. I love seeing the world through his eyes and rediscovering it all again.  I love the little phrases that he suddenly comes up with.  I love that when he is tired or hurt he wants to "hold you me."  That when he wants me to rock him he asks me to dance.  That without fail, every single morning, he crawls into bed with me to snuggle up against me and go back to sleep.  I love it all but one single part.  The Guilt.

That's right, I capitalized Guilt. Because seriously it is like no other thing I have experienced.  And I feel like as a mom you feel guilty over so many things.  Was I too hard on him or not hard enough?  Do I push him or let him figure it out?  Why did I have to lose my temper?  Why DIDN'T I get mad?  On and on and on.

Today was a particularly hard day of Mommy Guilt because when I drop the Boy off at his preschool he was sobbing.  He didn't want to go.  He wouldn't tell me why.  He was just clinging to me and refusing to let go.  So as I drove away good 'ol Mommy Guilt reared her head and started in. Maybe I should have left him, maybe I should have left quicker, what if something is really wrong, what if I'm not pushing him enough.  UGH.   The farther I got from him the worse I felt.  So by the time I actually got to work I was in full tears.  Just the way I like to start my day.

But then I started getting mad.  Because really no one is doing this to me but myself.  I know I'm not a bad mom.  I'm not perfect but I try really hard.  He is a happy, healthy boy who has many good people in his life and feels the love of them all.  He goes to bed with a full belly and wakes up knowing momma will be there.  While being a working mom has definitely made things a bit harder at times, in my opinion it has made me better.  Being fulfilled in all aspects of my life makes me well rounded as a person and as a mom.  I appreciate the days of fun that we have knowing that I will have to be away from him the next day.  And despite today's sobbing I know it is good for him too.  While I would love for him to forever be my baby I know that isn't possible.  I know that this is just the beginning of his stretching and growing.  I know he won't look back on these days and think what a crappy mom I was.

So here's the lesson I'm teaching myself in hopes that one day I can pass it along to my son.  Give yourself a break.  Do your very best.  Put your best foot forward.  Know some days you will fail and others you will thrive.  But most of all, let go of the guilt.  Or at least try to.

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