Monday, January 26, 2009

On the verge

You know that point that you reach when you can physically feel the tears building up behind your eyes? When you have to blink REALLY hard and VERY fast to keep them from starting because you know if it starts it will be all over! That's where I've been this past week.

I just feel so beat up. Mostly by the my job. In fact 99% of it by my job. And it's tough because I don't want to worry my husband by complaining about it too much. We have to have my income. We can't survive without it. So quitting is not an option. And I'm pretty sure it would be nearly impossible to find a new job right now.

My career has always been something I've taken immense pride in. I've always worked the hardest, worked the longest and moved up the fastest. My career was my "baby" and I did everything to make it better. Since I've gotten married that has drasitically changed. And I really didn't mean for it to or anticipate it. Being the first one in and the last one out is now longer so important to me. In fact I've become somewhat of a clock-watcher. I find myself making choices I never would before. Before if asked to work on the weekend I would have gladly done it, now probably not unless it is mandatory. I would rather spend my time cuddled up with my hubby on the couch laughing at Tropic Thunder.

But I do enjoy working. Always have. I love how I feel after I close a big deal. I love putting a plan into place and seeing it come through. I love being successful. And I hate to be a failure. That's what I feel like right now. A failure.

I'm never very good at seperating one part of my life from another. I'm not very good at hearing people criticism me or my work and learning to distinguish between constructive criticism and just plain bitching (sorry but that is TRULY the word that describes it.) that it isn't REALLY about me but it's more about the whole in general. I'm not used to not being number one. I'm not used to not being the most valuable player. I internalize so much of it that I reach my boiling point and either burst out in tears (always classy and professional) or take it out on the nearest ears. It's very hard for me not to bring it home and take it out on hubs and dog (yes, even the dog gets it.). I know that there should be a way to TALK about it and not complain or take it out on him, but that's really difficult for me.

So that's where I am. Trying to find my way through. There's a life lesson in here. I know there is because I've come up against this sort of situation before. Now if I would only learn the darn thing so I could stop facing it.


Michelle, Queen of Everything said...

That's really tough. It SUCKS when work is hard, because you spend most of your time there. I hope everything works out.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh yes. Those life lessons. Tommorrow is another day. I didn't say that, Scarlett O'Hara did. She would know.